LSD and Stuff

Perhaps I should title this piece as “A Tryst with Truth” or “My Experiments with Drugs”, but that would sound perilously close to plagiarism and downright pompous in case of former and too humble in the latter. (Why Nehru thought of you know what as “tryst” beats me!) So I will stick with LSD which stands for Lysergic acid Diethylamide, whose chemical formula is, just to indicate the complications, C₂₀ H₂₅N₃O. Obviously it is not a simple chemical as H₂O!

You see the 60s and 70s were the years of the Flower Children and Hippie Culture and Woodstock and Jimi Hendrix. So there was always a magnetic draw towards this unholy fun for those who were in their early adult hood like me. But middle class morality in which I grew up was (don’t know now) a very strong thing! It was extremely difficult to break out of that shackle as a rebel. One reason might have been that it was not a shackle really and another that I actually did not have any compelling reason to rebel, imaginary or otherwise and so did not get trapped into that hallucinatory existence.

In 1973, I was posted in a Battalion in Rajouri. Three of us youngsters became close friends, most of the others being senior. I was a Capt and the other two Lieutenants. Satish and I were into sports and such irrelevant activities and as happy as larks with just a couple of chota pegs, but not this other fellow, who was a rogue. We will call him Rogue for the benefit of this article. Lt Rogue could drink anyone under the table on any drink or even mixed ones and as per his own claims, had been into much harder stuff.

It was not long before I expressed my desire to try some stuff that would give me a psychedelic effect. Off goes Rogue on his next leave to Secunderabad, his actual name being Murthy, where his father was posted and comes back with some innocuous looking tablets. He gave me just one tablet in its foil and told me it was LSD! Since it was just one measly tablet, there was nothing for me to read on its cover. He, being a nice Rogue, warned me to be careful while swallowing it! That warning dampened my enthusiasm a bit I must say. He should have told me “kuch nahin hota Sir, mein hoon na?”

Now I must tell you something. Those days and during most of my career too, I was sort of anti-establishment and a sort of rebel. Just a couple of paras above I told you that I had nothing to rebel at home. It was not so in my career. In ’73, I was just into my fourth year of service and had plenty to rebel, both about the Army and about the Society. Just to give you one example, I had read recently then that the CM of UP, Kamalapati Tripathi used to insist (without insisting, you know) that even the Chief Secretary and the IGP must touch his feet when they enter his office. I was aghast. So in one of our tea breaks (we had it every day around mid forenoon in the office) when the topic of the Provincial Armed Constabulary revolt (due to which this CM had to resign) was discussed, I went on a tirade and said that people like him should be shot in the middle of the road in public (I was strong on ‘Westerns’ then) and that if Army didn’t change some of its ways, taking cues from the UP revolt, we too would head for a revolt. The officers were open-mouthed and deafeningly silent. As I finished and took a bite of the samosa, the Second-in-Command of the Battalion said staring at me, almost to himself as a soliloquy, “This fellow needs to be watched”. So that’s how I was.

But actually being more sensible than what others give me credit for, I kept that revered tablet in my pocket without consuming it. I kept thinking about all the possible after effects of my swallowing it. I went over the permutations and combinations in my mind. LSD was supposed to blow my mind. I was supposed to hear colours and see music. I was supposed to hallucinate and experience heavenly bliss. It was supposed to be instant nirvana. I thought, given my temperament, suppose I got angry with my Commanding Officer for something which he said and which didn’t jell with me, would I go and bludgeon him? And weird things like that. A week went by with this self-analysis and the probabilities. After a week I returned the tablet to Rogue telling him that I didn’t have the guts to try it. He, being a good fellow, took it back without ridiculing me and took it, as per him, himself that night. Nothing happened. I would like to think that it was actually LSD and not just a Vit C tablet! You have heard of Placebo Effect, I am sure. Who knows whether he tried it on me!

I must tell you something here which I should have said before, for the right sequence of events. During the final year of college some of us class mates used to do combined study. One, who was a smart aleck, came up with the idea of keeping awake the whole night to study. Now that was a tall order. To overcome the problem, he brought some tablet, the name of which elude my, as it is weak, memory and we all had that. It was terrible, at least for me. I could neither concentrate on study, nor could I sleep and my head felt very heavy. In fact not only the night, even during the next day I was absolutely restless and sleepless. I was simply miserable. It was a hopeless situation. I decided that that was not for me. If I fell asleep, I might as well sleep, I said. The term ‘Power nap’ was not yet coined then, though that’s what I practised (even in regular classes). Since the need to study and the target we set for ourselves was there, sleep automatically broke when minimum rest was taken. I never tried that drug stunt again to study at any time.

Coming back to our story, half a score and two years later from the Rajouri non-episode I, as a Major, was in Jaipur.  My family of wife (1) and children (2) were yet to join me from Jodhpur. As we used to call ourselves in such predicament, a forced bachelor, I was staying in the Officers Mess. There were a host of Capts and Lts in the Mess. I happened to be the senior most in the Mess (the pun is unintentional) and hence very respectable.

Over a few days, I noticed a particular Capt removing the tobacco from cigarettes and filling it with something dark and smoking it himself as also offering it to others who showed interest. Some said it was grass, some said it was opium. I didn’t know these from Adam. Well one day I said, let me also try it. The main junkie, the said Capt, made one for me as befitting for a beginner, as per his statement. I smoked. Heavens didn’t fall. But by the time we were at the dining table, I felt the elongation of time. I am saying something and they are reacting much later. Similarly someone cracks a joke and I am laughing after a long lapse of time. The time lapse was not being filled by anything else. So I asked them about this time difference. They said there was nothing of the sort, everything was fine.  Next day at breakfast table I asked again about any odd behaviour from me the previous evening. They assured me that there was none and that everything was picture perfect.

After some days I wanted to give this experience another shot and did. The time difference was less prominent that evening but next day morning something terrific happened. On waking up I felt the leaves of the trees were washed clean! I had never seen them as cleanly green as that. They used to be sort of dusty all the time! Remember this was in Rajasthan. Not only the trees, but the entire surrounding nature seemed to be pretty clean, green and beautiful. Even the sparse grass which was grandiosely called the lawn of the Officers' Mess! Clean and green! I said if this is the effect of drugs, man, it is good! I exclaimed about my morning observation to the other dining-in-members at the breakfast table. They said, you are just a beginner, wait to see what nice things happen as you progress.

But by lunch time the trees were back to their dusty look. The lawn grass was more yellowish.

Days passed and I felt like that drag again. I was obliged. Nothing happened during the evening, not the least, the elongation of time. I thought I was beginning to qualify as a professional. I went to sleep awaiting a clean green morning. But next morning the feeling was entirely different from the previous occasion. I felt tired and lazy to get up from bed. Somehow I dragged myself out of the bed and after the three Ss (S**t, shave, shampoo) painfully ambled off to the office.

I was actually commanding a workshop maintaining the equipments of a Brigade, when I was not trying drugs. I sat in the office holding my hanging head in my palms, elbows resting on the table. "Hands and elbows off the table", was not applicable.  I was in a state wherein nothing seemed to matter. No problems, no pain, no anxiety, no fear, no aim, no target, no time limit, no output, no quality, nothing! That was almost close to bliss. Except that I found it difficult to keep my head up. If any of my senior technicians had come and told me in panic, “Sir, the engine burst”, I would have told him, “Come on, man! Is it a bother? Just change the engine. What’s the problem?” I felt that cool about any likely mishap, however serious.

Sitting like that in the office, I got scared. If that was what I felt, how would I run the workshop? How would I command my men? How would I technically support the Brigade? How would I handle any problem? What would happen to my reputation? How would I handle my children’s admission once they join me? How would I handle any of the routine issues of the house? How would I ride my scooter with the family on it? How could I be so nonchalant? Such thoughts bothered me. I went to the bathroom, washed my face and neck repeatedly, came back and sat bolt upright on the chair.

That was the end of my tryst or experiment with anything close to drugs. Never had enough guts to flirt again.