The "Covid Effect”

 

Ring out the old, ring in the new,

   Ring, happy bells, across the snow:

   The year is going, let him go;

Ring out the false, ring in the true.

                                                ---Tennyson 

Unlike any other year, everyone will be seriously and with relief looking forward to letting this year "go". There could be revelries with such vigour unseen till now. Celebrities will celebrate by dancing lustily, and the gullible will follow suit. WhatsApp messages, pictures, quotes, videos et al, will rush into your cell (pun intended), totally uninvited. All and sundry will be wishing you all sorts of things, not to speak of health, wealth and happiness. That will just be routine for them. They don't care either way. Only, they don't want to be left behind. Many will send them in advance too. The early bird types, with nary a thought to the worm. For good measure, they will add Xmas too. So, add cheer and joy to the other things aforementioned in "Appynuyar".

Soothsayers and astrologers will make a lot of moolah by saying how much of it you will make yourself in the new year. They say the same thing every year. They said the same thing at the end of last year too. But every one cried during this year, didn't they?

I have a different take. Except for the fact that the dates in the calendar and the calendar as a whole, changes, everything else remains pretty much the same every year. I hope it remains the same in the fast-approaching year too, for this year I did make a lot of money, for a change. You ask how. I tell how.

1.    1.    Formals. I never had to buy new formals this year. In fact, I never had a chance to wear whatever I have. I wailed seeing them in the wardrobe, neatly folded and stored, waiting to be loved. They seemed to feel very, very neglected. I tell them in my mind, "Just you wait, 'enry 'iggins, just you wait". They seem to understand. 

2.    2.    Casuals. As the year wore on, I realised that I had already accumulated casuals, casually in such a number, that I had forgotten many existed. Thus, it became an excellent opportunity to rotate them all. Every day I felt well dressed in the flat—no need to purchase any for quite a while.

 3.     Shoes. The couple of pairs that I have just lay there in the shoe rack, gathering dust, sulking. So just to keep them in good humour I dust and polish them, every now and then. When they shine without a speck of dust, I think they feel happy apart from hopeful.

 4.    Socks. Oh! The multitudes of them. Now I wonder why I bought them all. So many different dark shades with various designs. I must have been a dapper without my knowledge. Each pair as good as new. They just lie there neatly in their shelf, each pair knotted to themselves. I keep them knotted at the toes. My wife taught me that technique. She didn't know she was defeating Murphy's Law in the bargain. 

5.    5.    Vests. Now they feel like pests. Unwanted. Who wants to wear a vest under a T or short-kurta or something like that at home? That too in Madras. Minimal is the mantra for clothes in this hot climate. The vests await their turn to adorn me, lying there in a stack, neatly folded. 

6.   6.     Handkerchiefs. It was a revelation, when, with all the time on my hands, I counted them. I never had a running nose to accumulate so many. But I must confess, I don't use "tissues". That never satisfied me while wiping my face after freshening. It has to be a cloth and so a hankie it was. Patiently and with care, I discarded the faded ones. I use only white hankies and white should be white, not yellowish. 

7.   7.     Ironing. This worked in two ways. One, the iron man closed shop. Two, I was at home only, no? So, ironing didn't make sense. Why struggle at home. I said, "poda" to the iron and decided to wear home wear, even if, wrinkled. The trick is to stretch and smooth them out with the palms while hanging them out to dry. Once dry, fold them neatly, again with loving palm-strokes. You will find hardly any wrinkles. Thus, I saved on the dhobi charges, which anyway was almost a King's ransom. Okay, at least a Prince's. You forget one more saving which the smart me, didn't. Being an Engineer (of no repute, though), I know that iron consumes a heck of a lot of electricity, because of its high Wattage. Ahh. That's it. 

8.    8.    Haircut. It was a given that if I reach the third week after a cut, I start sneezing. That was the warning for worse things to happen to my health if I delay by another week. Must thank my father for this, for he took me, when I was a boy, to the barbershop at this frequency. You may think it is the Army thing of a crew cut. No Sir, it is my father. But this time as the dreadful fourth week came, I panicked. The covid warriors could book me! But nothing happened. Providence ensured that nothing of the sort as illness occurred. God always comes to your rescue. 

9.    9.    Shave. Now when the hair on the head is left on its own to grow as it felt like, it seemed unfair that facial hair is denied its own symphony. And the added advantage of saving shaving blades! Plus, the problem of getting new blades if I run out of its stock, CSD being closed. All told, shaving was given a complete go by. As it grew in length and lustre, I started combing it upwards on both sides from the middle of my chin. Rajasthani style. Man! When it was full-blown, with those on the head in tune going over my ears and nape, I didn't forget to take some selfies and post them on WhatsApp. In all humility, I must say it was a hit! Sometimes you can have the cake and eat it too. 

10.    Aftershave, Perfume and Hair Oil. Needless to say, these just stayed put in their own places for good, in the same quantities as when the year began. There was nobody who needed me to smell good. Not even me. To feel fresh? Silly you. The marketing fellows of such stuff have you fooled. A good bath twice a day keeps you fresh as a daisy. If you didn't know, take it from me. And, thank the good lord, these kinds of stuff do not have any expiry date. (I hope! Never looked).

11.    Liquor. A drink is to be enjoyed. As days passed with no company, I felt like an idiot to keep drinking all on my lonesome. I was never a "Devdas" anyway. So, there it reduced and reduced and reduced and reached rock bottom in frequency. Any statistician would consider it, as good as nil. Here again two aspects. One, as already told. Two, there was no liquor to be bought when you finish your meagre stock, due to the closure of the outlets and bars. This, I am sure, is clear to you all, unlike the curious case of the iron box. I know you were wrinkling your nose, there. 

12.    Guests. Lack of them is a big void. But for the topic under consideration, it is a big plus. None came, none went. Suddenly you felt very alone, and the world, silent. No merrymaking, no laughing, no joking. No drinks to be served, no snacks to be had, no dinner to be laid. That is a new life, but one learns. And understands how much money is saved. I will say that: cheap and mean as it sounds. Fact is a fact. 

13.    Petrol. With nowhere to drive, petrol in the tank stayed right there. One unnecessary expenditure stalled. We will discount the evaporation. Anyway, that would be minimal, if at all. Never had a chance to measure it. 

14.    Car. Again, I am telling you as an Engineer. You run the car, and you are impinging wear and tear on the entire car and its systems. You will realise it when you try to sell her. More the miles covered, lesser the selling price. You don't run the car, everything in the car deteriorates. Tyres will become hard and crack, lubricating oils will solidify, parts that are supposed to move or rotate will jam, the battery will drain and what not. Severe damages can occur. Why, even the paint will lose its lustre. You can’t sell her at all. I being smart, kept polishing it as usual and took it out of the garage and took it back in regularly. Neighbours must have thought I am bonkers. I was, after all, going nowhere. 

15.    Clubs. Closure of clubs isolated my money from being misspent. Only when you don't go to such mischievous places, do you realise that you actually need not. The expenses of the dress, the car, the petrol, the liquor, the wastage of food, the obscene tips, all in the excuse of a happy evening are safe in your pocket. Restaurants too fall in this category. 

I feel the swelling of my cash chest. If I take stock and calculate the losses that didn't happen during this year, I am confident that it would touch a million. Therefore, I am not too sure that I want this year to go. Or if it must, to keep the earth rotating, the effects of this year should be carried forward in the coming years.

Wishing you all a Happy and of course, a Prosperous 2021. Oh! In advance.

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