FADING AWAY

“Old soldiers never die…they just fade away”, is an adage. That is, as a Soldier, if you live long enough to be old. Amen.

I am a soldier and am old now.

As a child, growing up to be a boy in Kerala, I used to stand alone at the gate near the vast paddy fields at dusk and watch the setting Sun painting the sky in crimson and red and in its various hues, the many flock of birds flying home in amazing formations and the day giving in to the oncoming night. Very much like the “Handing over Taking over” ceremony as used to happen in the Army. There was a child’s exhilaration and wonderment. That memory lingers but the scene has faded.

Schooling in Madras had many friends, mostly sports groups. As it would have it, I can hardly remember their names except for a couple or so. There was one weirdo Hariharan who used to read Dictionary like a story book! As we were leaving school, we all had fully filled autograph books, in which we wrote creatively. Now I can’t locate where those precious small little books are. Somehow, never thought of keeping in touch with them as adults and hence no whereabouts of any one is known now, however close some were. They all have faded away!

Ditto about College. All those class mates, NCC and Sports friends, friends for no particular reason, et al. Autographs were got filled again in all earnestness at the end of the final year, but with no details for a future possible meeting. Who knows, many may be in high positions in various fields and could be influencers now. There was one Subba Rao, a fellow built like a bull and a solid Volleyball player. I heard that he joined Madras Traffic Police as an Inspector. I used to look out for him on the streets of Madras, but never spotted him. I faded away from them all.

Join Army. Every Unit, every Location, friends and friends. On getting posted out, kept up with many with inland letters, birthday/anniversary cards, with personalized hand written notes and what not. As years passed and many a posting came my way, this activity faded and those good friends all faded away.

Then came retirement. Since I was still not old, as in OLD, I join some Corporate. With all the smartness and youthful and fit-look and decent, gentlemanly demeanour, I am admired. Then at some point in time I leave that wonderful organisation, for whatever reason. And that process repeats for a few more years. Then came a time, when the thought “enough is enough” crept in. Maybe I was tired of it all or the spark and commitment had faded. I faded from all those colleagues and friends. They seemed no longer relevant.

Once relatives were aplenty. As my age kept increasing, many admirable elders, whom I looked up to as a child, kept ascending the steps to their heavenly abodes. Those who were left did not seem important to my existence. Neither they seemed to care about me. By and by the aloofness increased. Fading continued.

Worse is, perhaps when children start flying the coop. How long can they tolerate the parents’ eagle eyes? On having to step out of the confines of the home, they sing like a lark and soar high. Then they find a mate and equations start changing. They make their own nests and become parents themselves. Most often they are on faraway lands, even across the oceans. After the initial euphoric visits and calls, slowly they slow down and get immersed in their own world, which gets larger by the day. The fading that had started, progresses.

In old age, not to allow the old man in (to borrow the wonderful saying by Clint Eastwood), I start some new activities. Some, a rehash of the old, some, offshoots, some, afresh and anew. At the same time some old tricks are discarded. But then, I get bored and tired of the new ones too. Lack of stamina to hang on, maybe. Tried joining some story telling groups but found them all sub-par. Those sodas did not have the fizz. Thus, I slowly faded away from all those activities too. Like from writing blogs.

I felt much obliged to the good Doctors who treated our family, carried surgical operations on us, delivered our children and grandchildren. But they went about their progress in life and my loyalty to them could not flourish. They all faded away. But on occasions, I remember them and thank them in my heart.

The formal dresses and dozens of neck-ties gathered along my Army and Corporate journey are all lying unused now. I dread to wear a formal shoe or insert my shirts these days. It is quite funny that they have not faded. I feel sorry seeing them stacked in the wardrobe, begging to be used.

The good old back-slapping, laughing friends have vanished. Many lady-loves of yore are lost forever. Body frowns on movements. The feet that preferred to run than walk in boyhood, now totters. Eyes can’t take the strain of any reading effort. Moreover, an effort in that direction, invites sleep, pronto. All those boyhood efforts put in to get a good hand writing has gone to naught now. The hand seems to have developed a contrary mind.

Not too long ago I was an unpaid advisor on cars to potential buyers. I had kept track of the many that mushroomed every other day. Now I care two hoots, as cars are dime a dozen. Frankly, I do not have the energy to keep up with the feverish pace of their introduction into the market. Now if anyone asks for advice, I simply say that I have no clue and back off.

The disease of fading is debilitating, for both mind and body. But somewhere, in some corner, a vague pride stands firm and erect. That does not seem to fade but is diminishing in stature and posture.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&